


Are You (Really) There?

by Shadow_Wolfe99



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Emotional Baggage, Gen, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Trauma, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29300688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Wolfe99/pseuds/Shadow_Wolfe99
Summary: When the Potters vanish during the war, Sirius loses touch with reality and Remus is left to pick up the pieces.So when James and Lily appear on the front lawn, its unsurprising that Sirius believes it to be another hallucination of the ones he loved. The reality strikes and Sirius slips further away from what he once was.At least, until a strangely familiar child appears on their doorstep and an unfortunate kinship forms.Heavy angst from the get go
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have realized that while Sirius is a comfort character, I love to torture him... I apologize

# Prologue

**March 18th 1980**

The rain lashed against the windows, the sky pitch black though it was barely five pm. Lily Potter curled herself around the toilet in what was, decidedly, an entirely unattractive manner. James stood in the doorway, arms crossed and face pinched. He hated seeing his wife like this. The war was eating at her, making her unable to keep a solid meal down for days at a time. No potion helped and Order missions made it worse. He shook his head.

"We can't keep doing this, Lils," he whispered. "The not knowing if I'll make it back alive, the fear of death constantly banging on the door. I can't let this keep happening."

"No, James! We can't just go!" Lily replied, the words that were supposed to be firm came out weak and exhausted.

"I want to fight, Lily. I want to make sure people get to live the life they're owed, but you come first. I made my vows."

Lily shook her head, forcing herself upright but swaying precariously as she did so. James shot across the room, his arms caging his wife safely. Her head fell onto his shoulder and she sobbed once.

"My love, I swore to you when we got married that you were my sole priority barring nothing but a child. In this instance, I have both. You'll never retain this pregnancy if this keeps going. We can't stay here. It's too dangerous."

"We can't just leave them."

It was pitiful reasoning and he knew exactly why she brought it up. Sirius would be livid. He'd sulk and pout for days on end. James sighed.

"I love him. He will always be my brother, but Sirius has Remus. He's a big boy who'll be fine."

Lily lifted her head and frowned at him. "This is the same man that didn't talk to Remus for a week because he cut his hair without saying anything first?"

James laughed. "They have each other to lean on, Lils. It won't be forever. They'll stop Voldemort eventually. When they do, we can come back."

Lily let her head drop again. The offer was so tempting. She wanted to be out of it, she wanted to be safe. She wanted for there not to be a war so that her child could grow up with the peace that she'd had. James stroked her back gently, the circles wide and slow.

"It won't be forever?" she parrotted back.

"It won't be forever," James said, kissing the top of her head.

She shook her head. This was her fight. It was her fight to stop Voldemort from gaining the power to torment, torture and murder muggleborns. She couldn't leave. She and James had to fight. It was their... duty? Her mind conflicted itself. She owed nobody anything. She certainly didn't owe them her life, nor the life of her child. She wasn't a soldier, not in the official sense. She wasn't an auror. She was just a kid that Dumbledore had convinced into joining his merry band of misfit vigilantes. She sighed.

"We can't just leave them," she said, "We have to leave them a note. Let them know we weren't kidnapped by the dark forces."

"We can do that," James replied, clearly relieved at her acceptance. "We'll leave them a letter and we will let them know that their godchild will know everything about them. Then we will come back, everyone will be alive, and Sirius can have the massive strop he'll definitely have. Remus can yell and Peter can complain under his breath that we disappeared better than he ever could. Everything will be fine and with a bit of readjustment, we can all be one happy family again."

She smiled at the fantasy he drew in her mind. It was a lovely concept and one that fully made her mind up. She pulled back and kissed her husband. Everything would be fine. They were doing what was best for their survival. For the survival of their child. 

* * *

* * *

_**Padfoot, Moony, Wormtail,** _

_**We know this isn't what's best. Not for the war or for the Order. We know that it's almost cowardly, but we all do what we must to survive. Padfoot, your godchild will know everything about you. They'll never know what it is to miss you, even if you don't meet in person for a long while.** _

_**Moony, don't let the moon destroy you. You've always been more than your condition.** _

_**Wormtail, stay strong for everyone. Don't let the fear win.** _

**_We love you forever._ **

**_James and Lily Potter_ **

_p.s. Pads, I'm sorry. Throw the biggest strop you like when we meet again, because we will meet once more. Forever in my heart brother mine. Farewell_


	2. Chapter 2

# Chapter 1

**August 18th 1988**

The clock ticked constantly, the sound distracting and infuriating. Sirius twisted the elastic band between his fingers, fighting the distorted reality his potions gave him. He shuffled in the stupid armchair, wanting to be back at home, not in the dump that was the St. Mungo's psych ward. The clock kept ticking. 

"Have you had any more hallucinations, Sirius?" 

He ignored the mind-healer. She knew nothing. All she wanted was for him to admit he was mad so that they could lock him up. Nobody trusted him anymore. He hated it. Moony touched his shoulder, clamping down and forcibly dragging his attention into the room. 

"Sirius," he whispered. "Answer the question love."

He looked up from the floor and into the peircing gaze of the mind-healer. "A few..."

"When do you have these hallucinations?"

He shook his head, dropping his gaze back to the floor. He wanted to get angry. To storm out of the stupid therapy session and disappear from reality. He couldn't of course. The potions dampened not only his magic but his emotions too. He was barely himself anymore. Moony touched his cheek and he looked up at his Moony without hesitating. The werewolf was sad and tired. The full moon had been rough the night before. He shouldn't have been out of bed.

"Please answer the question, Pads."

Sirius sighed and replied, never looking away from his Moony.

"After the potion. The one that knocks me out all night. That's when I see them."

The mind-healer shuffled her parchment and her quill scratched quickly, scribbling down the depths of his madness for all to see. He couldn't care. Even if she took the information to the prophet, it wouldn't make him less insane. It certainly wouldn't bring _them_ back. Not even a time-turner could fix the problems he faced.

Remus swallowed the guilt down, shoving it to the bottom of his emotional pile. It could be dealt with the next full. It was the only time he could feel everything without risking Sirius's safety. The animagus dropped his gaze back to the elastic band in his hands. Remus looked up at the mind-healer, who was still scribbling frantically. As if feeling his eyes on her, she looked up and smiled sympathetically.

"Is it just visual hallucinations, Sirius?" she asked, looking at her patient. "Or are there auditory ones too? Perhaps visceral?"

Sirius growled. "Why does it matter?"

"If the hallucinations have altered, we must also adjust your potions."

His head snapped up and, even with his magic dampened, the clock rattled in response to the outburst. The hands ceased to tick. He stood up and pressed both hands down firmly on Sirius's shoulders, focusing his energy back to where it was supposed to be. Sirius's head dropped back to lean against his abdomen.

"They talk. They repeat what their letter said. Telling me that they were leaving for their own good. That they were cowards. Don't adjust the potions. I hate being numb already. You might as well knock me out if you want to increase my dosages."

"Sirius, is that the only reason you don't want the potions adjusted? Or do you wish to continue hearing them? Pretending that they've returned?"

Remus looked up at the mind-healer and scowled. She was provoking a reaction. Was she trying to get Sirius sectioned again? He moved his thumbs in slow circles, trying to maintain his own calm while keeping Sirius grounded.

"I hate them," Sirius said plainly. "I don't want them to come back. It won't change that they left. That they abandoned me. We were marauders. It was supposed to be all for one, one for all. It's just Moony and me now. I want the hallucinations to stay so that I'm reminded that I should never trust them or anyone again. This session is over."

He didn't bother trying to stop Sirius from rising, nor did he resist being pulled out of the room before they'd even been given another appointment. Once they were in the alleyway beside the hospital, Sirius buried his head into Remus's shoulder. He stroked Sirius's back slowly, offering him silent support. Once the animagus had settled, he apparated them back to their house.

Once home, he felt all his public bravado fade away. He felt disconnected from everything. Time meant nothing and he couldn't think in a straight line. Remus, the wonderful love he was, sensed it and kissed his forehead. It grounded him slightly, the airy nothingness in his head subsiding minutely, and he heard Remus's whispered instructions. He needed to weed the flower beds. He crouched down and began his mindful task, checking in with Remus through the open front door. He knew it was pathetic but he had to make sure Moony didn't leave him too. Weeding without magic or tools (an incident resulting in major bloodloss caused him to lose those) was simple but it forced his mind to concentrate. He had to focus on getting all of the roots and placing them in a pile for Remus to burn later on. His mind couldn't wander while he was focused. He had no choice.

* _Crack* *Pop*_

He flinched from the sound, memories springing to the forefront of his mind. Who was coming to get him? He couldn't defend himself. He was doing what he was supposed to be doing. Fear bled though his skin, through his veins and every nerve was alight with panic. Making fists, he turned his head only to fall on his butt. It made no sense. The potion wore off hours ago. He shouldn't be seeing them. They weren't supposed to exist any other time. His panic increased tenfold. Maybe he should have had his dosage increased.

"Moony!" he cried, his voice barely above a whimper. "Moony!"

"Pads," Remus replied, his footsteps approaching. "What's-"

"It's happening again, Moony. I shouldn't have ignored the healer. My dosage needs to be increased. I'm seeing them, Moony! They're here again..."

Remus crouched in front of him, blocking his view of the hallucination. Warm hands covered in peppermint pressed against his cheeks, forcing him to focus.

"It's okay, Pads," Remus whispered. "They're not a hallucination. I can see them too. They are real."

He shook his head. They couldn't be real. It was assumed that they'd died. They'd abandoned them. They couldn't be real. However, Moony didn't lie. Not about this. He blinked rapidly, trying to make his thoughts work properly. He gripped Moony's arms, probably bruising him.

"You can see them?" 

"I can see them."

"They're real?"

"They are real, love. I promise you. You aren't seeing things."

He glanced over Moony's shoulder. They were still there. They looked both confused and concerned. They were older than the hallucination version. They were real. They'd come back. Pain threatened to destroy him so he looked away. Moony pressed his cheeks a little harder.

"Go inside, love. I'll be in soon alright. I'll deal with this."

He nodded and, helping each other up, he turned and headed inside, seeking out the peppermint tea that Remus had been making. He couldn't deal with them today. It hurt too much.


End file.
